For a quick glimpse and a little context, my current schedule is being "on call" every 4th day of the month. Which means that I work 28 hours for a "call" day and then have two regular days in between before being back on call again. It is in house call which has its perks and disadvantages. I am not able to lay down or go home but I do get to leave the next day by 11 which is more than some of my friends can say when they take home call and at still at the hospital all night. So for that protected time I am thankful. The days are busy and typically unpredictable. I love the people I am working with and have already learned so much from them. They are incredibly smart, talented, and caring people who have a desire to take care of the children of Mississippi and to teach all that they know to those around them. I really couldn't ask for a better group of people to train with. So why is it so hard? Why am I taking to writing about my experiences? Well I write because it is cheaper and more time efficient than therapy and I definitely need a way to process all that I see and take care of in the PICU. Also, it is hard because for all the hours I spend caring for and loving on sick children, I am away from my precious child and husband.
Our lives are full of tension right. There is always something else we feel like we "should" be doing. I at least constantly feel this strain on my time.. even now I should be studying during the brief time that child naps so that when she wakes I can spend undivided time with her before a date night with my husband a call day tomorrow. That is part of the strain of my heart right now. I love my calling and the area where God has led me so far. It is never (in a million years) where I thought I would end up or even dreamed would be a possibility. God has clearly always had a different plan for me and my life. It already is better than I ever thought. However, sometimes the "middle part", the walking through, the trusting and training is hard. It is hard to continue to trust the journey and process when you cannot see the end result. It hard to know that and remember God's faithfulness when you really want to control every minute of the day to ensure that all the things that you "think" you need to do get done. On one hand I see God's faithfulness in getting me to this point of my life and career, on the other hand I wonder if I will ever be able to complete the process and pass my boards (and being a good wife, and mother, and have more children, and invest in my church and community, etc). Honestly, even as I type I search for the answer... the encouraging scripture that reminds all will be okay. The words that put a pretty bow on the struggle. Truth is, I don't have any. I know scripture reminds me of God's faithfulness and I can easily see His faithfulness and mercy with only a few minutes of thinking through my life. I know my God is present. I know He cares. I know He loves me and wants the best for me. BUT... I also know that what I see as Best and Success is not always what He sees and trusting Him is a minute by minute, day by day thing for me right now.
Maybe soon I will be able to write of an epiphany, a clear answer and we will all find encouragement in that. For now, I will just be honest with the struggle.
"Now to Him that is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church by hrist Jesus to all generations forever and ever, Amen."
- Ephesians 3: 20-21 -
