And... I am back

It is a new season in my life.  Well, some one say it is just a new verse of the same season of training that I have been in for a while now.  I am now a PGY5.  That means that I am in my 5th year of post graduate training.  I started my fellowship in Pediatric Critical Care at the beginning of July.  To say that I knew what I was getting myself into is an understatement.  This month has been extremely challenging on so many levels, and not just for me.
For a quick glimpse and a little context, my current schedule is being "on call" every 4th day of the month. Which means that I work 28 hours for a "call" day and then have two regular days in between before being back on call again.  It is in house call which has its perks and disadvantages.  I am not able to lay down or go home but I do get to leave the next day by 11 which is more than some of my friends can say when they take home call and at still at the hospital all night.  So for that protected time I am thankful.  The days are busy and typically unpredictable.  I love the people I am working with and have already learned so much from them.  They are incredibly smart, talented, and caring people who have a desire to take care of the children of Mississippi and to teach all that they know to those around them.  I really couldn't ask for a better group of people to train with.  So why is it so hard?  Why am I taking to writing about my experiences?  Well I write because it is cheaper and more time efficient than therapy and I definitely need a way to process all that I see and take care of  in the PICU.  Also,  it is hard because for all the hours I spend caring for and loving on sick children, I am away from my precious child and husband.
Our lives are full of tension right.  There is always something else we feel like we "should" be doing.  I at least constantly feel this strain on my time.. even now I should be studying during the brief time that child naps so that when she wakes I can spend undivided time with her before a date night with my husband a call day tomorrow.  That is part of the strain of my heart right now.  I love my calling and the area where God has led me so far.  It is never (in a million years) where I thought I would end up or even dreamed would be a possibility.  God has clearly always had a different plan for me and my life.  It already is better than I ever thought.  However, sometimes the "middle part", the walking through, the trusting and training is hard.  It is hard to continue to trust the journey and process when you cannot see the end result.  It hard to know that and remember God's faithfulness when you really want to control every minute of the day to ensure that all the things that you "think" you need to do get done.  On one hand I see God's faithfulness in getting me to this point of my life and career, on the other hand I wonder if I will ever be able to complete the process and pass my boards (and being a good wife, and mother, and have more children, and invest in my church and community, etc). Honestly, even as I type I search for the answer... the encouraging scripture that reminds all will be okay.  The words that put a pretty bow on the struggle.  Truth is, I don't have any.  I know scripture reminds me of God's faithfulness and I can easily see His faithfulness and mercy with only a few minutes of thinking through my life.  I know my God is present.  I know He cares.  I know He loves me and wants the best for me.  BUT... I also know that what I see as Best and Success is not always what He sees and trusting Him is a minute by minute, day by day thing for me right now. 
Maybe soon I will be able to write of an epiphany, a clear answer and we will all find encouragement in that.  For now, I will just be honest with the struggle.

"Now to Him that is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church by hrist Jesus to all generations forever and ever, Amen." 

- Ephesians 3: 20-21 -

too much vs not enough

After 2 weeks of being off and my test being over, I have come to the point where I am excited to get back to the hospital.  Isn't that just like my sinful, human nature.  I beg for time off, for rest, and have found myself searching for activities, projects, and things to keep me busy.  I am hard to satisfy.  I guess there is always a place for balance in my life.  I have enjoyed my time off and now find that I am extremely grateful to be starting back in the hospital on Wednesday.
I mentioned that I was going to start trying to cook.  Well... I have made exactly two full meals during my time off. Pathetic. However, I got a really cool 5 Ingredient cook book at a wedding shower and had pretty good success with my second meal.  Maybe there is hope in that really simple book of recipes! I have decided that I do enjoy cooking if it can be done with relative ease.  Complicated recipes with lots of ingredients are not for me.  They kind of stress me out... I just look at all the ingredients and think, "Yeah right. No way this is going to turn out well." The good news, I've got a lot of time to get better.
Other fun changes around here, I have a new floor! The carpet is gone!

 It looks AMAZING and have Daniel and his family to thank for it.  They did such a good job, and it has started some fun house projects, cleaning, and decorating to prepare for October!  It really is just around the corner and I can't wait!

finally a break!

After the past 5 weeks and three years of studying non-stop or being in the hospital all day, I have taken my Step 2 CK and have 3 whole weeks to take a break!  In Meg language... I will be watching a LOT of movies and I trying to learn to cook.  October 6th is coming soon and currently all I know how to make is spaghetti.  Not promising.  Here's to the first day of my break and cooking dinner.  I am sure it will take me way too long to cook and I will probably apologize a million times to the unfortunate souls that actually have to eat it.

As for what I have already done with my 4 days of break: one of my sweet college friends came in to town and we were able to spend the weekend catching up and visiting.  We also got to go see one of our sweet friends that is having a little boy in October.  So fun and she was so stinkin cute with her baby bump.  I love when I get to spend several, undistracted days with my college friends.  I miss them so much and value their wisdom and grace. I realize how extremely fortunate I am to have been entrusted with their friendship.  I look forward to having all of them stand next to me on one of the biggest days of my life.  They are wonderful!  Unfortunately, I do not have a picture of all four of us from the weekend or the cute baby bump.

                     (Picture from college of the three of us.  Clearly I should take more pictures!)

Well... off to the store to get the needed ingredients for the dinner to be tackled! Wish me luck!

new lessons

What is funny to me is how clarity seems to come out of no where sometimes.  It's like you have been praying and questioning and searching for clear answers and then waiting.  Confusion remains and you continue the cycle of praying and waiting.  Then, all of a sudden, you see clearly and all the pieces fit together.  You understand your own feelings toward the question at hand.  You see the obstacles that God has been dealing with in you and your answer sit revealed in that moment.  Now that doesn't mean that the obstacle, or sin (as in my case), is gone it just means you are aware of it.  Which is a good thing because awareness definitely leads to healing and moving forward.  Vague enough for you?
Let me be more clear!
I have been wondering for several months exactly what type of residency I want to pursue this coming year.  I have gone back and forth between a combined residency in Internal Medicine and Pediatrics or just pediatrics.  There are tons of complicating factors to this above decision but I will only list the ones that seem to reveal my heart most clearly.  As many of you know, I lived in Kenya for a while on missions.  I went to medical school with the intention of going back to serve as a medical missionary.  Everything I signed up for and worked towards was to do just that.  Being a medical doctor in the bush of Africa, single.  Well insert God's humor here because very few of those things are going to happen and that, I believe, is because God had something different in store for me.  I have struggled with letting go of my own plan.  Mostly because I enjoyed the stability and comfort of clinging to one vision.  Wrongly, I liked control and still do.  So, decided what kind of doctor to be was a battle between how I had planned to serve the Lord and how He wanted me to do so.  The truth is, at this point in my life I don't feel led to return to the depths of Africa.  I see God's leadership in getting married and learning to radically serve him  not in kenya of missions but in Jackson, MS learning how to eventually be a godly wife, friend, and sister.  Trust me... I wanted to do something radical but my intentions at the moment would not be pure.  They would be in vain.  I suppose I have always overlooked the importance of godly living, ministry, and evangelism within the family unit and God has revealed my sinful prejudice for foreign missions.  I now look forward to the next step of my journey - and serving my faithful Father on home soul.  There are still hearts that are lost right next door to me and what better way to show the love of the Father than to prepare to have a marriage that mirrors God's love for the church.

saturday...

Oh, Saturday morning. There is something extremely refreshing and relaxing about waking up to a whole pot of coffee and several hours to do nothing... or in my case, leisurely study.

I would say I have grown out of my days of loving to intensely study all day long. I would guess that the new jewelry on my left hand has something to do with my change in intensity. However, it is a welcomed change. It is amazing how time, maturity, and love can provide so much perspective. Not that school is not still extremely important. It definitely is but it has been bumped down the list a bit. There is something to be said for balance and I know that I would never have come close to achieving such on my own.

The Lord has asked us to wait patiently on him because He is faithful and really does work all things together for our good. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I can see the perfect hand of God orchestrating each and every day of my life this past year. Why did I waste so much energy worrying about it? Oh lessons learned....

Wait patiently and remember the faithfulness of your Father.

where is the hope....

Today, I was reminded of an age-old lesson....life, quite simply, is just not fair sometimes.

It never ceases to amaze me the information that I am entrusted with because I hold a clipboard and wear a white colored coat. People daily pour out their heart and lives to me with such earnest request in return. help. care. love me.

Today I met one of the most resilient human beings I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. This individual had almost literally been through hell and back and lived to tell of the story. She shared some of the most hurtful things that I could ever image and I cried. My heart was overwhelmed and I knew no other way to respond. She had no tears to offer the offense today. She has cried over it most of her adulthood and yet had found hope to go on, to tell her story, to continue her life journey.

For me, I know what that hope would be...but what is it for a dying, hurting world? I have to believe that Psalm 19 is right and that the "heavens and earth cry out in a language understood by all." Hope... well it's engrained in us because we are made in the image of Christ the King. He is our hope, strength, and very breath for the hardest days in life and in the midst of the most unbelievable cruelties suffered by human beings. Praise the King for his ever present help!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out o the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place ot stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and hear and put their trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:1-3)

Sundays are best for...

happy Sunday to you all and may your day be full of scripture, love, napping, and a good cup of coffee!