What is funny to me is how clarity seems to come out of no where sometimes. It's like you have been praying and questioning and searching for clear answers and then waiting. Confusion remains and you continue the cycle of praying and waiting. Then, all of a sudden, you see clearly and all the pieces fit together. You understand your own feelings toward the question at hand. You see the obstacles that God has been dealing with in you and your answer sit revealed in that moment. Now that doesn't mean that the obstacle, or sin (as in my case), is gone it just means you are aware of it. Which is a good thing because awareness definitely leads to healing and moving forward. Vague enough for you?
Let me be more clear!
I have been wondering for several months exactly what type of residency I want to pursue this coming year. I have gone back and forth between a combined residency in Internal Medicine and Pediatrics or just pediatrics. There are tons of complicating factors to this above decision but I will only list the ones that seem to reveal my heart most clearly. As many of you know, I lived in Kenya for a while on missions. I went to medical school with the intention of going back to serve as a medical missionary. Everything I signed up for and worked towards was to do just that. Being a medical doctor in the bush of Africa, single. Well insert God's humor here because very few of those things are going to happen and that, I believe, is because God had something different in store for me. I have struggled with letting go of my own plan. Mostly because I enjoyed the stability and comfort of clinging to one vision. Wrongly, I liked control and still do. So, decided what kind of doctor to be was a battle between how I had planned to serve the Lord and how He wanted me to do so. The truth is, at this point in my life I don't feel led to return to the depths of Africa. I see God's leadership in getting married and learning to radically serve him not in kenya of missions but in Jackson, MS learning how to eventually be a godly wife, friend, and sister. Trust me... I wanted to do something radical but my intentions at the moment would not be pure. They would be in vain. I suppose I have always overlooked the importance of godly living, ministry, and evangelism within the family unit and God has revealed my sinful prejudice for foreign missions. I now look forward to the next step of my journey - and serving my faithful Father on home soul. There are still hearts that are lost right next door to me and what better way to show the love of the Father than to prepare to have a marriage that mirrors God's love for the church.
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